Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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