you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
