so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize