If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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