I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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