I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
