i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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