Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
