Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
