if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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