I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
try to milk me bitch
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