Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize