i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
