Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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