can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
