Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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