I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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