Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
