Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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