Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
