guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
