I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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