I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
