im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
