2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
