you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
