You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
