I feel great
I just peed on a car
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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