I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
