paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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