dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Holy sore nipples Batman
I am available for nakedness
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
