my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
