I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
