He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize