you will always have a special place in my vag
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize