: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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