I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
