I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
