he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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