Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Randomize
