so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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