why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
