Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
