Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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