I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
