I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
