Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
