There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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