its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
