I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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