3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
