Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
