can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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