True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
