Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize