you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
