I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
