Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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