Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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