In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
