Can i not drive my cunt home
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
