dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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