I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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