i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
