just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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