I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
