Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
