Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
